April 27, 2013

Nicholas Sparks Is A Sadist

"It's almost summer!! You have to read Safe Haven," a bookish friend of mine recently suggested as we passed each other at the ballpark. "It's so good and you'll love it." I nodded. I'm always looking for a good book.

"And when you finish," she continued, "we can go watch it at the movies."

"It's a date!" I proclaimed, made a note in my phone and headed home. When I kicked the kids off of the computer, I looked up Safe Haven to see if our library had it. We are three weeks from summer vacation--it's time I started my summer-fun reading.  Good news was that they did have the book. Bad news was that it was written by Nicholas Sparks.

Yeah, I said bad news about Nicholas Sparks.

I immediately texted my friend and said, Safe Haven is a no-go. And I'm not sure we can be friends anymore.

The thing is that Nicholas Sparks is an amazing writer. He churns out books and touches on emotions in even the most cold of hearts. But I refuse to read him anymore. I will dig in my heels and not watch his movies either.

My phone rang. "What do you mean Safe Haven a no-go?"

"I don't read Nicholas Sparks. And since you do, I think this is the end of the road for us."

I heard her roll her eyes at me. "You are a 40-year-old woman. You have to like Nicholas Sparks. It's like a law."

"As a 40-year-old woman, I don't have to do anything but pluck my chin hairs and pee when I sneeze. I do not have to like Nicholas Sparks. He's a sadist."

She snorted. "A sadist?"

"Yeah," I retorted, "He writes these stories that make women cry ugly, snotty, sobs, usually late at night when our comforters are too busy snoring to hug us and kiss us passionately the way Channing Tatum would in, well, a Nicholas Sparks's movie. He's a sadist. I know he goes to bed a happy man each night knowing that women the world over are weeping like war widows over his words."

There's really no reason for this picture.
Just a gratuitous shot of Channing.
You're welcome.

"Are you really not going to read it?"

"Nope. Not at all."

"You going to see it at the movies with me?"

"And bawl in a public theater? Hellz to the no."

"Okay, fine. What do you want to read then?"

"Is there a book for Hangover 3?"

She hung up without answering. Then I got a text, I don't think we can be friends anymore. 

So ... what are you reading this summer?  'Cause I know a book ... 


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