July 21, 2013

How To Write A Blog Post

I'm not sure how Saturday night got here so fast. To be really honest, I couldn't account for one single minute of my time this week. I'm sure I was productive, but I am not sure what I accomplished. Actually, tune in this week and I'll tell you how I accomplished eating copious amounts of chocolate at See's Candies in Oklahoma City, but aside from that, I've got nothing to hang my hat on. (But seriously, check back this week. There could be chocolate in your future.)

I'm sure if you were to ask Daughter 1, she'd tell you that my goal was to make her life miserable and that I was a smashing success. To that, I roll my eyes and raise my wine glass.

That wasn't my goal, though. I'm not sure what my goal was for the past week. Nonetheless, time marches on, and here we are on Saturday night and I've got a blog post to write for tomorrow and I haven't a clue about what I'll be writing.

Then it hit me. Why don't I share with you how to write a blog post? I'll bet most people who don't blog have no idea what it's like to blog. It's really not just as simple as sitting down at your keyboard and typing out your thoughts and stories and oversharing how you went on a two-night trip and forgot to take any panties. What?? (Stop. It was just two days without undies.)

So, let me give you a little bit of insight into writing a blog post.

Sure, to get started, you do need to sit at your keyboard and open up your browser. That part is pretty simple. From there, though, most people don't have a clue as to what comes next.

Most would-be-bloggers will then begin typing their blog post. This, my friends, is a rookie mistake. 

First, you have to check Facebook. Don't ask why. Just check it. Then, be sure you flip through every picture that your former neighbor just posted of her work picnic. Every picture. After you've sufficiently determined that you knew not one person at that picnic, then share a bunch of recipes on your wall. You never know when you might actually, um ... what's the word? Oh yeah: Cook.

After you've spent a good amount of time on Facebook, you'll want to check in at Twitter. I heard someone was posting videos of you doing that weird thing, OMG. Wait. That's not right. OMG!! (That's it.) Then head on over to Instagram. Those cute kitten pictures are not going to heart themselves, you know. Eventually, you should check out Pinterest and pin some crap that, let's be honest here, you're never going to actually do, right?

When you've pinned no less than fifty-six various chevron patterns (which is to say, they were all different colors, because chevron is chevron, yo), hop back over to Facebook because in the past thirty-two minutes, something might have happened to someone and you'll need to be aware of that.

Look at all those tabs that are open. That's not even all of them.

At this point, stand up, grab a cold drink, shake your sillies out and sit back down at your computer. Add some books to you ever-growing To-Be Read shelf over on Goodreads before reading your local and national news. You will want to do a Google search of your hometown in the news (Oh hey! There's my column!). Then do a Google search for your high school Algebra teacher (he's selling real estate). Then do a Google search for that guy you sat beside in Poli-Sci your sophomore year who was going to be a pharmacist (he's doing 10 - 12 for distribution). Then do a Google search for yourself. OMG! I'm a red-headed young adult author! (No, I'm not. I'm a humorist--buy my book, please.)

You've seen plenty of fodder for your blog, but it's not nearly enough. You'll want to discover that one of your YouTube videos made it onto the first Google search page. Pop on over there and watch that puppy again. Grin a little. Wonder how you got that wall in your house to be that shade of yellow.

Then search YouTube for the Hermes Handbag videos from Saturday Night Live. You'll laugh so hard that you'll have to go pee because you essentially have less than no bladder control. When you come back from the bathroom (Did you wash your hands? Go back and wash...), in the side bar, you find your other favorite SNL personalities, Seth and The Girl You Wish You Hadn't Started A Conversation With.

Sit and think about how very much you were that girl when you were 22 years old.

Yes, you were. We all were. Well ... all the girls were. And a handful of those guys. (You know those guys. They lived in Logan Hall.)

Then, you'll notice that you have sufficiently wasted well over three hours on this blog post, and you'll finally be ready to write. So, just start writing.

When you finish, hit publish.

This, my friends, is how all the good blog posts are written.


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