July 23, 2013

My Advice To Kate

Now that Kate has that beautiful baby boy out of her belly and in her arms, I've got the only advice she'll need: Screw 'Em All.

Hear me out, y'all.

Remember when we were all new mommas and we were basking in the joy of motherhood while soaking in our sitz bath wondering if our lady parts would ever function normally again? (And if you haven't had a baby yet, let me just tell you it's glorious.) And with each and every well-intentioned visitor you were left with at least one piece of well-intentioned advice.

Sleep when the baby does.

Do laundry while the baby's sleeping.

Don't rock the baby to sleep.

Don't let the baby cry it out.

Let the baby cry it out.

Don't let the baby sleep with you.

Never let the baby be without your touch.

Wake the baby to feed him.

Never wake a sleeping baby.

Feed the baby cream gravy in his bottle.
Use clothe diapers that were woven in Cambodia and washed in the waters of the Seines River

Use self-tanning sprays before you take the baby's first pictures.

Let the baby rock in a hot air balloon for optimum brain growth.

Read Shakespearen sonnets translated to Japanese if you want him to be successful in business.

Never mow your lawn while your baby is awake and not under a mosquito net.

Blah, blah, blah.

So, my advice to Kate is this: Screw 'em all. She's going to get more than her fair share of advice. She needs to ignore it. She's that precious prince's momma. She already knows what to do. The best mommas always do.

Except that sleep business. Always sleep when the baby does.


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...