January 10, 2014

I Got Third

All I remember, really, is that we had been stuck in the house for a bazillion days because no only was it snowy but it was insanely cold, blistery cold, crappy cold that made one's boogers instantly freeze just opening up the door. When it's that cold? People get all kinds of cranky.

Apparently, I was cranky. I don't recall why I send Daughter 2 to her room, but I did. And I not only used my inside voice, but I used my Jack Nicholson as Colonel Jessup voice:

I eat breakfast three-hundred yards from four thousand Cubans who are trained to kill me. So don't think for one second that you can come down here, flash a badge and make me nervous.

The voice I wanted to use was the "There is no Dana only Zuul" voice from Ghostbusters.



But I didn't. I calmly and collectedly told my on-edge child to go to her room.

"You're the WORST mother!" she hollered as she stomped to her room. (FYI--She did use her "There Is No Dana Only Zuul" voice.)

When she had calmed down and I had calmed down, I called her to me.

"Do you have anything to say?"

"Yes," she said, "I'm sorrry I said you were the third worst mom."

"Third worst? I thought I was the worst?" I said, feeling a little bit slighted that while she sat in her room, I had moved down in the rankings. We'd been shut in the house for what seemed like months, we'd had no routine and no structure. I hadn't bathed in four days. I couldn't remember the last time a brush had interacted with my hair. I had let my kids veg out and watch endless episodes of The Big Bang Theory on TV ad nauseum. I'm pretty sure that I okay'd them eating a bag of Doritos and Ritz crackers with a slice of cheese for lunch. Why wasn't I the worst mom?

"You were the worst. But, someone is worser and someone is worser than that," she explained as if she were offering a dissertation on what constitutes bad mommas.

Sadly, though, the third worst mom does not get a tiara or a sash. But, it'll look good on my permanent record. 
I run my unit how I run my unit. You want to investigate me, roll the dice and take your chances. I eat breakfast 300 yards from 4000 Cubans who are trained to kill me, so don’t think for one second that you can come down here, flash a badge, and make me nervous. - See more at: http://www.filmschoolrejects.com/opinions/the-best-jack-nicholson-lines-of-all-time.php#sthash.gxEPL42Y.dpuf
I run my unit how I run my unit. You want to investigate me, roll the dice and take your chances. I eat breakfast 300 yards from 4000 Cubans who are trained to kill me, so don’t think for one second that you can come down here, flash a badge, and make me nervous. - See more at: http://www.filmschoolrejects.com/opinions/the-best-jack-nicholson-lines-of-all-time.php#sthash.gxEPL42Y.dpuf
I run my unit how I run my unit. You want to investigate me, roll the dice and take your chances. I eat breakfast 300 yards from 4000 Cubans who are trained to kill me, so don’t think for one second that you can come down here, flash a badge, and make me nervous. - See more at: http://www.filmschoolrejects.com/opinions/the-best-jack-nicholson-lines-of-all-time.php#sthash.gxEPL42Y.dpuf

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