July 17, 2014

Four Lies and A Truth About Writing

Lie #1: It will get better when your kids are older and more self-sufficient. 

This is bull shit. It will not. You will find yourself at 10:38 in the middle of summer screaming at them to go to sleep already and then you'll cry yourself to sleep because you know that they will eventually write a book about you and it will become a movie and critics will call it "Chilling--like "Mommie Dearest" only more awful."


Lie #2: You set  your alarm to go off early so you can write. 

This is also bull shit. You will not write. If you do indeed get up (as opposed to hitting snooze), you will find yourself checking court records of people that you know or have ever known because it's easier than actually disciplining yourself to write. You may also find yourself shining that stupid red light and making the cats run into the wall. In the cat world, the movie will be called "Human Dearest."
Lie #3: You plan on staying up late so you can write. 

Capital B to the S, yo. You will not write. You will play on Facebook taking endless quizzes that have peg you to be a wild partier with a sweet and innocent streak that resembles "The Littlest Mermaid" and ""Ice, Ice Baby" is my theme song. Then, I'll watch Jimmy Fallon and think, "I can blog about that" before you go to bed and play "Two Dots" and fall asleep wondering why you didn't just get your words outta your brain.

Lie #4: That perfect post in your head that is bound to propel you to viral-dom will only take a minute to jot down.

Again, this is nothing but straight up toro de caca. You can spend your entire grocery store trip composing the ideal words in your head and then when you get to a keyboard, whether it be on your computer or phone or tablet, the words will zip right on out of your head and you'll end up with a post that looks kinda, sorta like, well, this.

Truth: Your best words will come at two times: The first time will be while you're in the shower. The second time will be after you hit the "Publish" button.

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