... Or, How Your Hands Will Tingle When You Sleep On The Edge Of Your Bed All Night Long
... Or, Don't Kill Your Husband Because Then Your Children Will Be Orphans
... Or, Oh, Hell! It's Storming! There Goes My Night
There will come a time when you, as a parent, believe that your children are growing up quickly and you are sadly leaving all things child-ish behind.
Then it will storm. And while your husband stays in his recliner "checking the weather," you will retreat to your bed to comfort the fruits of your loins. And by fruits, I mean fruity kids who still get rattled every time the windows rattle even though we've never had any true storm damage.
Here are the top five ways to break your children of co-sleeping and attachment parenting once they hit the double digits.
1. Blackmail. Take a selfie of the kid as she snuggles into your spine and threaten to post it on your blog, your Facebook, your Twitter, and your Instagram. She will object saying, "But my hair is in curlers!" Unfortunately, if you have children who have grown up online because their mother is a prolific blogger, you might actually end up with a sweet-smiling kid. You'll use the picture anyway.
2. Melatonin. Lots and lots of melatonin. If you give your kid enough of this natural sleep aid, she'll sleep-walk her way back to her bedroom, after she makes a stop in the bathroom, the kitchen and the dogs' room, but who cares? She's out of your bed, right? Mission accomplished. (*Disclaimer: The child was only given the prescribed amount of Melatonin and is under a doctor's supervision. Don't call protective services. They already know.)
3. Lie. Tell the kids that the storm is over. They'll reluctantly crawl from your bed and, if Mother Nature is on your side, she'll be quiet long enough for them to settle into your own bed. If, however, the wind picks up, thunder claps, and the lightening flashes, those crazy kids will be right back up in your grill, yo. (PS--Mother Nature can be a bitch.)
4. Admit Defeat. Eventually, you'll be so tired that you'll just give into sleep with a kid suctioned to your back. You'll fall asleep on the side of the bed and your hands will tingle throughout the night. You will sneeze, hit your head on the night stand, curse loudly and no one will skip a beat in their snores, including your husband, who still had his whole side of the bed to himself. You'll contemplate going all Lorena Bobbitt, but your hands will be so asleep that you can't even wipe the tears from your eyes. But, that's okay. They're only little once. It was about three years ago that either girl could be considered little, but whatever. if they want to sleep on your sciatic nerve who are you to stop them?
5. Bribery. At five in the morning, after about three hours of sleep in twenty-minute intervals, you will channel the energy of sleepless mommas who have gone before you and fling your offspring onto their father. He will then offer them $5 each to return to their beds and they will comply. He will then slink over to your side of the bed and start touching you as a husband is wont to do. You will offer him $50 to leave you alone for just one more hour.
Lucy and Desi were onto something with their twin beds.